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Mini Moments Of Mortality

November 12, 2013

1. My father finds the condoms whilst looking in his teen daughter’s bedside drawer, for blue tack.

He holds up the two unopened prophylactics with disgust and fear in his eyes.
’She must have got them in sex ed.’ I hastily explained. He reached a sun browned arm deeper into the drawer.
‘A WHOLE box of them!’ He exploded. There is terror in that boom of a voice. A terror I won’t ever fully grasp as I will never be a father. He took the box of condoms and stood up. ‘She shouldn’t have these. She’ll get pregnant.’ With these words of wisdom my father walked out the door.

2. The macabre romance of the situation was not lost on her.

He bleeds.

I bleed.

she thought smiling as she pressed fresh tissue to her bleeding nose. Perhaps they were connected by invisible underground wires after all.

3. Wouldn’t it be great if instead of a god waiting to judge us on the moment of our imminent demise, there was a mirror? A mirror so big it would be able to show the entire body of the biggest fattest and most rotund individual in the galaxy. A mirror that absorbed all your failings all yourself perceived abnormalities and errors of judgement. A mirror that made you perfect and god like, so that there was nobody to answer to except yourself.

4. The gun shot cracked out into the vast country air.

His wife dropped the towel she was about to peg on the hills hoist.

His two adolescent daughters ran from the house as a second gun shot rang out.
Under the cloudless blue sky was a figure moving slowly towards them.

With each step closer they could hear him muttering angrily and with some effort.

The man had a fully grown bull by the hind legs and was dragging it along the dry brown grass.

The bulls head was bleeding out of its left eye socket.

He would stop a moment to catch his breath before continuing across the paddock. His wife and daughters began to decipher his mutterings.

‘’I shouldn’t have done this. …I shouldn’t have FUCKING done this!’
5. It ended the same way it had begun. With drugs, alcohol and well intentioned lies.

6. While they watched a movie she let her head fall on his shoulder. He shrugged her of.
‘Am I too heavy?’ she asked.
‘You feel heavier than you should,’ he replied.
She stared at him confused as he continued.
‘You want to be rescued’ he told her authoritatively.
‘I was being affectionate,’ She said, realizing that affection was the last thing she felt for this individual. It had failed. Her attempt at pretending had failed and been misconstrued. She got up from the couch and went up stairs to bed. She hoped he would not follow. She hoped he would apologize. She hoped hoped hoped….for nothing.

7. ‘I can hear the air,’ he whispered in the pitch black bathroom.
‘It’s the pipes.’
She laced her fingers through his. The feel of the cold porcelain of the bath tub was the only thing keeping her from believing this was a dream.
‘I will never be your friend.’ He said softly into her ear.

It was astonishing that in the blackness her lips found his first try.

8. I lay the full length mirror out on my bedroom floor. Once i had removed every article of clothing from my body, including bra and underwear. I stood on the glass gingerly and with trepidation as though I was walking a tightrope 1000 feet in the air. I stood there with my eyes squeezed shut. I willed myself to gain the courage required but i failed. I simply could not bring myself to look. I could not open my eyes and look down at my perverse reflection.

9. As he watched her tears fall down her pale cheeks. They dripped onto her untouched pizza. He thought how strange it was to remember it was this woebegone face that he used to watch sleeping, eating, talking and laugh, in wonder. He tried to feel remorse, empathy or a despair that matched hers. He wanted to feel anything than what he did truly feel well up inside him like a disease, a feeling of pride and power.

10. Once the last body shudder had passed through him, he pushed her off and away from him, not wanting any part of him to be connected with her. She laughed, thinking he was playing.
’I hate you,’ he said fiercely, whilst looking right through her.

11. It’s not that I want him dead. I just hope he gets AIDS.

12. The next time you see a dirty old man checking you out. Go up to him and demand 20 dollars. Think of it as payment for the dream blow job or whatever sick scenario you will be thrown into, the next moment this geriatric pervert has a moment alone.

13. He emerged from the mosh pit grinning, a 6ft 2 wall of walking sweat. The guitars were still reverberating around the air that stank of hundreds of body odors, beer and libidinous motives. With one arm he swept her up and over his shoulder in drunken jubilation.
‘Let’s go home and fuck!’
14. If you have never

felt the big black bats in your chest.

Have never experienced

the ominous heavy leather wings.

Flap and flap and flap so hard.

You are positive

they will burst out of your skin

clutching your heart by a torn ventricle.

If you have never

made up possible excuses

to explain the gaping wound in your chest,

to friends and family.

I am sorry.

You are yet to live.

15. It slipped from her hands

and rolled out of sight,

under the kitchen counter.

She stood a moment

frozen with self loathing.

‘You stupid, ugly,

near sighted BITCH,’

she screamed.

Shouted.

Sobbed in

the empty house.

‘You can’t even keep hold of a FUCKING apple!’

16. She held his pack of cigarettes as he stood under a street light. He was patting his pockets in search of a lighter. She looked up at him and watched as he took the first drag. She found it a turn on to watch him slowly and deliberately set out to kill himself. It suddenly occurred to her, how fun it would be to strip him down then and there, as the trams, buses and cars sped by. She wanted to take that burning cigarette and put it out on his chest, the smell of his dark chest hair singing brought a smile to her face.
‘What are you smiling about?’ he asked, kissing the top of her head.
‘Nothing.’

17.

She still feels pain

where once there was a rib.

A rib that the surgeon

removed when she was 13.

Now 13 years later

phantom pains come and go,

whenever the weather changes.

They are breath skipping and

intense before

dissipating into a dull ache.

These days she feels a similar discomfort.

This ache does not merely

exist within her.

But, around her.

The energy around her

that you used to inhabit.

It is carried around

the world with her.

This phantom pain

that is you.

Bigger than a rib ripped out

years ago and

harder to explain.

18. She ran to the bottom of the garden,

her pale uncovered feet

turning numb with the cold.

and wet blades of grass

sticking to her heels.

The night was dark and still.

Houses surrounding her

were full of slumbering parents

with good stable jobs

and their children

well adjusted and happy.

That is until life

and experience ravaged

their naiveté

and mutated it into something

dark and empty.

she suddenly wished

she had put on clothes for this.

But in her head

it had more chance of succeeding

if she did not have anything

on her that could

interfere with her attempt

at being a transitory and

omnipresent entity.

19. It was not until she began mingling in social circles where alcohol was consumed with brazen abandon, that she started to hear her name and the word beautiful or gorgeous in the same sentence.

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